| | Current Music: | Coldplay "Don't Panic" | | Time: | 07:31 pm |
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| if you read this, even if i don't speak to you often, post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your journal.
See what people remember about you... | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | Sufjan Stevens "All Good Naysayers, Speak Up!" | | Time: | 09:43 pm |
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| And then some guy wandering as lost as you would all of a sudden be right before your eyes, his face bigger and clearer than you ever saw a man’s face before in your life. Your eyes were working so hard to see in that fog that when something did come in sight every detail was ten times as clear as usual, so clear both of you had to look away. When a man showed up you didn’t want to look at his face and he didn’t want to look at yours, because it’s painful to see somebody so clear that it’s like looking inside him, but then neither did you want to look away and lose him completely. You had a choice: you could either strain and look at things that appeared in front of you in the fog, painful as it might be, or you could relax and lose yourself.
-Ken Kesey “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Elliot Smith "Pitseleh" | | Time: | 10:26 pm | | Current Mood: | Kind of sad |
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| Today I went on an Elliot Smith binge. That made my stomach hurt. Then I went on an oreo cookie binge. That made it hurt even more.
Everybody is sad today. Whatever. Stop jacking my mood.
Yesterday, I did that thing where you write the anonymous message to all of your friends and tell them exactly how you feel about them. Except I didn't write it down. After taking stock of everything, I found that I like a lot of you much more than I thought I did and I dislike some of you a lot more than I thought possible.
I would have to say that the most upsetting thing in my life lately is....nah, I won't tell you. If I wanted to tell you, I would have told you by now and if you really wanted to know you would have asked or something.
Tamara, you should listen to Elliot Smith. I don't know you or your musical tastes that well, but I think you'd really dig him. | | |
| | Current Music: | The Velvet Teen "Never Happy" | | Time: | 01:54 am |
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| I feel kind of bad right now. I had a random outburst of anger tonight and I let some really weird shit run through my head.
I'm taking a temporary break from photography. I just don't care about it like I used to. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Cure "Friday I'm in Love" | | Time: | 07:26 pm |
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| Sometimes I can be kind of emotionally masochistic. But I guess I won't worry about masochism until I start putting cigarette butts out on my penis.
There is a song by the Cure called "Mint Car" that makes me hella happy because it just sounds like happiness. I have a feeling that this weekend is going to feel like that song.
I actually got goosebumps listening to Against Me! this morning.
I haven't gotten goosebumps like that for awhile.
I want to get goosebumps like that more often.
I don't think it will happen though.
Fuck homework.
Tomorrow night is my first night of freedom in two weeks. I don't care if it consists of me getting raped by a hobo as long as he rapes me at least 5 miles away from my house.
I have to work for like 8 to 10 hours on saturday, so that kind of sucks. I might just be shooting though so it might not be that bad. I need the money anyway.
My dad was taking the headshots for the football program with the editor of the Grapevine. She thought that the quarterback was cute and wants to fix her daughter up with him but she didn't know if he had a girlfriend or not so she asked him to see if I could find out. I have the sneaking suspicion that if I walk up to the starting quarterback and ask him if he has a date for the prom yet, I will look a little bit creepy and might run the risk of actually getting the shit kicked out of me. Maybe if I just slipped him a note in class...
I don't have anything to read, so maybe I'll actually buckle down and get my shit done before one. Or maybe I'll reread something. | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Coldplay | | Time: | 09:31 pm | | Current Mood: | I'm very mellow |
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| A guy's calling to say he's failing Algebra II.
Just as a point of practice, I say, Kill yourself.
A woman calls and says her kids won't behave.
Without missing a beat, I tell her, Kill yourself.
A man calls to say his car won't start.
Kill yourself.
A woman calls to ask what time the late movie starts.
Kill yourself.
She asks, "Isn't this 555-1327? Is this the Moorehouse CinePlex?"
I say, Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.
A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?"
Well, sweetheart, I tell her, yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.
-Chuck Palahniuk "Survivor"
Here in the bathroom with me are razor blades. Here is iodine to drink. Here are sleeping pills to swallow. You have a choice. Live or die.
Every breath is a choice.
Every minute is a choice.
To be or not to be.
Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you reenlist.
-Chuck Palahniuk "Survivor"
I've been listening to mellow music all day. Chuck Palahniuk is a really funny and original writer. Eden, leave Choke on my doorstep in a brown paper package. Or just hand it to me next time you see me. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Smiths "Asleep" | | Time: | 06:19 pm |
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| | Ok so 1-3-5 days are going to suck. Really badly. Think about how interesting geomorphology sounds. Pretty boring, right? Multiply the boredom by 5 then add a pothead heavy metal fan that thinks the Strokes are "pussy rock." Then you have my Cal Studies class. I haven't been sad at all lately. I miss people. | | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Jets to Brazil "Wish List" | | Time: | 09:34 pm |
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| I actually paid some attention to Jets to Brazil for the first time tonight, even though I've had their CD for months. I still like Jawbreaker more though. Either way, they both have really amazing lyrics.
If my concentration sounds like wreckage,
it's 'cause I got a new feeling every thirty seconds.
We put a monkey up in space and I know exactly how he felt
-Jets To Brazil “Disgrace”
I always thought I was touching, I was tragic.
One man's magic is another's plastic.
Well, which one is it?
Am I sweetness? Am I sickness?
If I say both, you will say I lack commitment.
Of course you're right. Of course I'm right.
But I know I can write my way out of this black hole.
Back to all the things that I miss.
Sometimes I don't even know you exist.
That's just another thing on my wish list.
-Jets To Brazil "Wish List"
This school's a living hell
I work and don't get paid,
I smoke a lot but can't get laid.
Sit and stare, it's all we do
All my friends are broken, too..
We're just waiting
Waiting to begin.
-Jawbreaker “Chemistry”
Dreamed we were still going out.
Had that one a few times now.
Woke up to find we were not.
It's good to be awake
-Jawbreaker "Fireman" | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Everybody go do that thing that you KNOW will make you happy. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. | | |
| | Current Music: | Ben Folds Five "Kate" | | Time: | 09:38 pm |
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| I’m in that mood where you start listening to all of the songs that you usually skip over when listening to a CD.
I felt pretty bad earlier.
I feel pretty good right now.
That is subject to change.
Arellano is a gigantic ass. He got misty when he talked about putting his dog to sleep like 15 years ago but he was smiling when he suggested euthanizing the entirety of B wing (for those of you outside of Dova, that's where Special Ed is). I actually like the class though.
Song Lyric of the Day:
I waited for a bus to separate the both of us and take me off far away
from you cause my feelings never change a bit, I always feel like shit
I don't know why I guess that I just do
-Elliot Smith "I Didn't Understand"
Question of the Day:
Are you happy? | | comments: 9 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Ted Leo and the Pharmacists "Hearts of Oak" | | Time: | 07:42 pm |
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| I am getting out of yearbook by TAing for Mcahon fifth period and taking weights third. I never have to learn things I don't want to know again.
Today in yearbook, we split into groups to come up with three ideas...by looking through the yearbooks of other schools. That makes sense because whenever I feel the desire to come up with something interesting and/or original, I find the best way is to mindlessly steal shit from other people. One of the girls in there is the stereotypical, ass-kissing overachiever with only half a brain. Bitch, don't act like you came up with that page idea for student life when I JUST FUCKING SAW YOU JACK IT FROM PONDEROSA'S '99 YEARBOOK.
Oh, and to the five dozen braindead fucktards that skateboard to third period gym, I say this: buy a fucking bicycle because you fucking SUCK at skateboarding. Give up on skateboarding and give up on living because I hate you. You fall down more than I do and I'm not even a skateboarder. Also, the Misfits aren't even that fucking good so buy a new fucking shirt. If you want to be punk, you should find somebody more obscure and you shouldn't wear shirts that your mom obviously bought for you because Hot Topic had a Back To School Sale.
I was whistling this song to myself without thinking about it at the beginning of Government today while an attractive woman walked into the room and Arellano thought that I was trying to be lewd. Fuck you Arellano, it's Ted Leo not some lame fucking attempt on my part to objectify women. Also, don't tell me that I don't have to fucking work when I'm in high school. Even if I get scholarships, I still have to pay for a place to live and things to eat after I'm 18. My parents' only attempt at helping with college was offering me a place to stay while I was in school and I can't take them up on that and still be happy. Fuck you and your libertarian bullshit. I hope a hobo rapes you in an alleyway while the cop that could have saved you is towing away the broken car that is parked across the street from your house that you just COULDN'T tolerate. They say if you aren't a liberal at 20 you have no heart and if you aren't conservative by 30 you have no brain. I know I'm not going to feel totally the same way when I'm older, but I sincerely hope I'm never made that happy by a bunch of stupid things like a BMW and a gardener. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Killers "Change Your Mind" | | Time: | 06:06 pm |
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| | Today was a little bit better than yesterday. The girl in yearbook that learned what 'to oppose' meant yesterday was trying to use it in sentences today except she was saying things like "I oppose to that." I guess I can't get mad at her for trying. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Libertines "Vertigo" | | Time: | 10:15 pm |
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| Here’s what I did today:
-took a 4 hour nap listening to Elysium and the new Modest Mouse album.
-finished the last half of Breakfast of Champions.
-started rereading Mother Night and got halfway through before I realized what I was doing.
-ate half a vial of green cake sprinkles for no reason. I didn’t even particularly feel like eating anything sweet.
-drank no water, but plenty of soda.
-thought about replying to Gloria’s letter but decided to postpone it because I haven’t written anything on paper in 2 months and I write like a drunken kindergardener anyway.
-started listening to the Libertines and instantly loved them. They make me feel like dancing which makes me wish I could dance.
I am tapping my foot violently and practically dancing in my chair and I can’t decide if it’s because the Libertines are so awesome or because I drank 2 liters of soda and ate a bunch of sprinkles. Either way, my theory is that if I stop listening to this album, I will die.
I want school to start tomorrow. I want to get back into the swing of things. I just realized there are a lot of people I won’t be seeing for awhile. That sucks. I’m not sure how I’m going to take to school. It might end up putting me on a weeklong high or it might end up making me feel really depressed. The suspense is killing me.
I took the Livejournal Slut test. I don’t know if I passed or failed.
There are about a thousand movies I haven’t seen that I really want to. I am going to get on top of that soon.
I want to go to an Against Me! show before I die. I think that that would be an amazing fucking experience.
Reading the archives of people’s journals is really weird. Sometimes it makes you feel shit you wouldn’t expect. Lots of things will do that to you.
I should probably do my English shit but I probably won’t until tomorrow night. I work best under pressure. That is to say, I only work under pressure.
I have interesting things going on in my head and I want to write them down but Livejournal isn’t conducive to unfiltered honesty. I have the urge to go do things that I normally wouldn't do. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Modest Mouse "Float On" | | Time: | 03:46 am |
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| Sometimes I get intensely pissed off and depressed for little to no reason. That kind of scares me.
The show sucked except for Commonwealth. I got to meet hella people that I had heard about. It's nice to be able to put a face to Teela, Rebe, Hatzi and some other people that I forget.
I got home an hour late and my dad grounded me for 2 weeks. He said he was tired of my obvious lying and cited a bunch of the shit I did like saying I was spending the night somewhere and getting home at 7. He said “that isn’t staying the night and getting home early; that’s staying out late.” I used to freak out when I got in trouble. I don’t feel bad about this at all. Two weeks means shit to me since I have so much soccer shit going on for the next few weeks anyway. I have practice six days a week. I had so much fucking fun this summer. I did some shit that I said I would never do, some shit that I said I would never do again and some shit I never even thought about. It could have been worse. He could have found out about half the other shit I did behind his back this summer. The sneaking out, the drugs, the booze, the whores, the murders....I'll leave it up to you guys to figure out which of those actually happened.
Come to think of it, he didn't even ground me really. He just said I couldn't go out. I can still listen to music, go on the computer and read. That's 90% of my life anyway. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | The Velvet Teen "Penicillin (It Doesn't Mean Much)" | | Time: | 04:22 pm |
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| I was going to write me college app shit because I felt like writing until I realized that the writing had no potential to be interesting. It is going to be nothing but lies. I haven't taken advantage of any of the educational opportunities made available to me. I've taken a bunch of honors classes and shit but I just did what I had to to get a good grade; this never involved learning. I'm not screaming for attention when I say I honestly don't feel that I will bring anything to the University of California. I would be honest in my answers, but it would just look like I was trying to look like a smart ass. So instead of doing my essays, I took a nap with the Velvet Teen. I firmly stand by my decision.
I got all my standardized testing bullshit back today. I got a 428 in english and a 422 in history. On the Cat/6 survey, I scored a 99 in reading, a 98 in language, a 91 in science, and a 65 in mathematics. Considering I literally didn't read the last half of the math test and just put random answers (I opted to take a nap on a cafeteria bench listening to Desaparecidos instead; I think I made the right choice), I have absolutely NO faith in the future of this country.
I just realized that I tend to shirk responsibility quite often by taking naps and listening to music. I don't really feel bad about this, I was just musing.
Sometimes I feel bad that my plan is to find a job that only involves junior college and/or a trade school. Not because I feel I can do better, just because other people seem to feel that I can do better and sometimes it feels bad not to live up to people's expectations. I'm just trying to live out what I think is the true American dream: the dream to work a job doing something easy that I don't care about and get paid a decent amount of money to do it. I think it would suck to have a job define my life. This could just be because I haven't found anything that I am willing to devote my life to. It is possible that I will regret my decision to not take my future as seriously as others. However, it is also possible that some of the people going to universities will end up graduating and regretting all the money they spent on an education for a job they realize they don't want anymore.
It almost seems like I'm upset about this but I'm not. I still have awhile before I have to worry about all of this shit. I'm going to continue my napping. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Thelonius Monk "Locomotive" | | Time: | 01:51 pm |
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| Elysium is a really good CD.
Have you ever seen a problem that someone was having and thought that the person was stupid for not realizing how obvious the solution is only to realize that it is a problem that you have too?
Some guy from the Air Force called me today. When I told him I wasn't interested in the armed forces, I thought he was going to try to convince me but he just told me to throw away any packets they sent in the mail and to enjoy college. I can't figure out if he's terrible at his job for letting me go so easily or if he's really good for making me think that he was nice. Now maybe if something catastrophic happens to me, I'll go join the Air Force to help find my way through life. Or maybe I'll just throw all the packets away and go to college.
I don't know what the requirements for the college app essays are. I'll get the paper from somebody eventually.
Why can't 'philistinic' be a word? Why must I keep stumbling along the path of life using philistine as a noun AND an adjective? This is very upsetting to me.
Oh shit. What happens when I actually start having legitimate problems? I won't have any time to be bothered by things like 'philistinic' not being a word. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
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